When I was young, I enjoyed watching the different kid’s series on “Nickelodeon”. One of my absolute favorites was “iCarly”. This was one of the reasons I picked up Jennette McCurdy’s memoir. Other than the pleasure of watching her on both “iCarly” and “Sam & Cat” television shows as a child, the faint smile on her face as she held what looked like the ash of a dead acquaintance ignited my curiosity to read this book. And the title, I couldn’t understand why someone would be glad her mum died. Mothers are like mini-gods, you know! 

However, reading this book turned out to be a remarkable experience. Jannette’s insanely honest memoir reveals the complexities she had to navigate as a child actor and a young adult, and her complex relationship with her mother, who died of cancer when she was 21. Here, I try to distil the numerous insights I got from this book into seven lessons, and they are:

1. You’re Not Obligated To Love The People Who Hurt You.

Sometimes, the people we love the most are the ones who hurt us the most. Jennette’s mother, Debra, was the driving force behind her acting career, but she was also emotionally abusive, controlling, and manipulative. She made Jennette feel guilty, insecure, and unworthy of love. She taught her to suppress her feelings, starve her body, and please others at the cost of her own happiness. Debra’s obsession with control extended to every aspect of Jennette’s life, including her career choices, relationships, and even her thoughts and feelings.

Many times, we are hurt by those whom we put our trust in. As children, we believed they wanted the best for us and would ensure that we were secure. Growing up, we realized that the love we thought they had for us was deep-rooted in their desire to be in control of our lives. Alas! When we found out, it felt too late to get back the years, tears and agony they had cost us.

Jennette loved her mother, but she also resented her for robbing her of her childhood and her identity. She refused to feel obligated to put aside her valid emotions simply because the world seemed to pressure her to honor and prioritize other people’s feelings. This is one key lesson for me; the courage to come to terms with the abuse I faced in the hands of those I loved, and that it’s totally okay to set boundaries or walk away for my well-being.

2. You Must Not Lose Yourself to Please Others.

As a fan of “iCarly”, I couldn’t even tell that Sam (Jennette McCurdy) was forced into acting by her mother. She was one of the finest actresses on that show, and played her role so well you would bet she was born for it. When I read that acting was mostly Debra’s dream and not hers, I was completely stunned. 

From a young age, Jennette was subjected to an extreme regimen of dieting, exercise, and beauty treatments, all in an attempt to maintain her image as the perfect child star. She managed to find success in the entertainment industry, achieved fame and success at a young age, and starred in popular TV shows. She had millions of fans, money, and opportunities. But she was unhappy and unfulfilled. She felt trapped in a role that did not reflect who she really was. She felt pressured to maintain a perfect image to please her audience and appease her mother. Lonely and misunderstood, she eventually quit acting and pursued her passion for writing and directing, which gave her more creative freedom and authenticity.

Learning to say “no” and establish boundaries was crucial for McCurdy’s eventual healing. When you live your life for other people, to impress or appease them, you completely lose sight of who you truly are as you’re no longer making choices based on what you want or what you think is best for you. It is important to remember not to lose yourself to please others. You come first!

3. The Impact of Childhood Trauma.

What parents/guardians do to their children has a way of shaping them – the child – in the long run, and this memoir unfolds as a heartbreaking account of an emotionally battered child. Jennette suffered from various mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, OCD, and PTSD, as a result of her childhood trauma. She also developed eating disorders, alcohol addiction, and self-harm tendencies. She tried to cope with her pain by numbing herself, isolating herself, and sabotaging her relationships. Janette went through therapy, medication, and rehab, but she still struggled to find peace and acceptance. She later realized that healing, beyond being a deliberate step, takes time and requires patience, compassion, and courage. 

4. What True Love Really Is

Love is not about control. Genuine love borders around respect and empathy. Jennette’s mother loved her, but she did not respect her. She treated her as an extension of herself, not as an individual. She did not listen to her, support her, or encourage her. She didn’t think her opinions were worthy of respect. Debra tried to mold Janette into what she wanted her to be, not what she wanted to be. Jennette eventually learned that this was not real love, but a form of abuse. She learned to love herself, by respecting her own needs, wants, and dreams. She learned to love others, by respecting their boundaries, choices, and feelings. This is one lesson I hope to hold to closely.

5. You Have To Forgive to be Free

Forgiveness is not about condoning, but about letting go. Jennette had a lot of anger and resentment towards her mother, even after her death. She blamed her for ruining her life and making her miserable. She wished she could confront her and make her apologize. But she also realized that holding on to her bitterness was only hurting herself. She learned to forgive her mother, not because she deserved it, but because Jennette deserved to be free from the past. She learned to see her mother as a human being, flawed and wounded, who did the best she could with what she had. McCurdy also took on the challenge to correct her mother’s mistakes: “Mom didn’t get better. But I will,” she says.

6. All You See is Not All That There is.

Looking from here, there’s no way any Nickelodeon fan would predict what each child actor had to deal with to entertain us. People only show aspects of themselves they feel comfortable to share. Don’t use their public show as a yardstick to measure your life.

7. Self-Reflection Is a Very Powerful Tool – Harness It!

It takes some level of vulnerability to be self-reflective. Jennette was afraid to embrace that. She was ashamed of her feelings, her flaws, and her mistakes. Moreover, self-introspection, she thought, would make her look weak, pathetic, and ungrateful. It became convenient for her to hide behind a mask. As against numbing feelings with pleasure, she later discovered that confronting her past demons and reflecting on self were instrumental to her personal growth and healing. Her story is a reminder that if we must break free from the demons haunting us, we have to embrace some level of introspection, whether alone or with a therapist. 

Conclusion:

When Sam & Cat stopped airing, the rumor in the media was both heartbreaking and marring of her legacy. It flew, but McCurdy reclaims her voice in this book. Her story will challenge you, inspire you, and move you. It will show you that no matter what you have been through, you are not alone after all, and you are not broken. You are brave, beautiful, and worthy of love. The book will take you on a journey to break free from the hold the experiences with your abuser have had on you – and – start living your life!

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